10 Things You Don’t Know About Women

For the most part, I dig Esquire magazine. Dig the writing, dig the photographs, dig the whole thing. But it’s not for chicks, so I don’t buy it. I had a hard enough time when I bought last month’s Flaunt at the bookstore with a naked Eva Mendes on the cover. The old man in front of me was trying to give me a hard time and said, “So…what’re you buying for me?” And I stammered, “Uh…well…” like an idiot, and he said, “No, really, what’ve you got for me?” And I shrugged and showed him the naked Eva Mendes and tried to explain that Flaunt was a fabulous magazine about art, music, film and literature, but it just ended coming out as verbal diarrhea and he walked away with his wife thinking I was a dirty, dirty girl.

But I digress.

Esquire has a monthly column written by women, usually celebrities, entitled 10 Things You Don’t Know About Women. I tend to enjoy this column for a couple of reasons:

  1. It’s usually funny
  2. It’s usually spot on
  3. It’s PG-13 advice about the ladies (sorry, Playboy. But if I read one more column about ‘giving it to her good’, I’m going to puke. Here’s what: don’t do anything to our parts that you wouldn’t want done to yours. Don’t want us to squeeze your boys to death? Fine; cool it with the breasts. Fin.)

Hmm. Anyway, I’ve saved a couple of said columns and compiled some of my faves. Take notes. Or maybe get a subscription to Esquire.

  1. Often men confuse pensiveness with bitchiness. I find that appalling! [Parker Posey]
  2. If you’re funny, we will sleep with you. [Julia Louis-Dreyfus]
  3. We emotionally extricate ourselves gradually over the last few months of a relationship so that by the time we say goodbye, we’re ready. The signs are always there. [Liz Vassey]
  4. Chivalry does not emasculate you or make you our bitch. [Annabeth Gish]
  5. Yes, we would have a threesome with Angelina Jolie Scarlett Johansson. [Christa Miller] (Edit mine.)
  6. PMS is real. It’s chemical, and it sucks. If someone told you that every thirty days you were going to get jacked repeatedly in the nuts, you’d be pissy around day twenty-six, too. [Jenna Fischer]
  7. When we say cool, really, wow, and huh, we’re not listening, either. [Judy Greer]
  8. We love it when you pick us up at the airport. [Lauren Graham]
  9. Regarding clothing: Fashion designer Issey Miyake says to women, “Pleats, please.” To you we say, “Flat front only, please.” And while you’re at it, jettison tight or stonewashed jeans. [Samantha Mathis]

    (God, y’all, seriously. Enough with the pleats. Can’t stand ’em. Not flattering on any body type. Except maybe an old, fat pimp. And that’s to be expected.)

  10. You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You’re welcome. [Alyssa Milano]

I’m sure guys have plenty of things they wish they could publish in women’s magazines. And we read them—all of them—in a trashy publication called Cosmo. We were 14 and sneaking that thing from the slutty older sisters of our best friends so that one day we’d know all these little things about you. And while I personally have no complaints in the man department at this time (I’m spoiled, what can I say), I’ve got plenty of lady friends who are deep in the trenches. Or maybe the Sahara, depending on who you talk to.

So fellas, just a quick review from time to time can be a good thing. Probably get you laid a bit more, too.

[Jam of the Day]: Wolf Parade, This Heart’s On Fire

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One response to “10 Things You Don’t Know About Women

  1. Wow, I didn’t know about the circular saw and spacesuit and bullet-proof vest and stuff. Good going, female gender!

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