Posterchild for Defunct Office Equipment

I’m a lot like that weird, placid Dyson guy: I just think things should work properly.

Which is why I was quite irate over having to spend my entire morning copying documents on our ineffectual xerox machine.

Sure, I had a lot of stuff to copy (literally, United Way, I love you guys but get your stuff together and let people submit award apps online. Sheesh.) but that’s no excuse. I shouldn’t be getting a COPY 303:45 ERROR (paper jam, tray two) every time I copy a single sheet of paper.

The copier, as it turns out, is also positioned right outside the CEO’s office. So he had a clear view of my frustration as I searched for jammed paper, turned the thing on and off, unplugged it, waited five minutes, plugged it back in, and so on. He’d look over his computer screen at me once in awhile and say things like, “Can I help?” and “Do you need a hand?” And I’d say things like, “Sure; if you have the power to perform miracles,” and “Only if you have a baseball bat.”

Around 11, the CEO emerged from his office and stood next to me.

“It’s still giving you a hard time, huh,” he said sheepishly.
I was covered in yellow post-its, hair a-frazzle. I nodded. Then I said, “To be honest, I’m not sure how anyone gets anything done with this thing. I think it’s well past its prime.”

Because really, if I’m thinking like an owner, I’m thinking about how much it costs my company when I’m sitting there copying the same piece of paper 50 times to get three good copies–it wastes a hell of a lot of paper, takes me away from more important projects, and kills my productivity for the rest of the day.

Three hours, two packages of paper and a silent tear later, my friend and officemate asked me how the siege turned out. I told her I’d just stopped short of pulling the skin off my face. The copier had won.
“Well, you know the CEO bought that thing off eBay, right?”

eBay. I’ll be goddamned. I mean…office equipment…those are fixed assets, right? I’m all for saving a buck, but seriously. Get Office Max in here to hook us up. Let us not waste our lives time on defunct office equipment. Not like I’m Serious Smee, but that’s not what I show up to work for.

[Jam of the Day]: Zack de la Rocha ft. DJ Shadow, March of Death

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