What Hell Looks Like (To Me)

I’ve been spending a lot of time at work, doing work-related things, but not really getting to the heart of the work matter.

That’s longhand for “I’ve been sitting in a lot of meetings.”

Yesterday, in the midst of a host of questions regarding the differences between an HSA and a PPO health plan, I decided that Hell might be one long corporate benefits meeting. It was easily as hot in the board room.

This morning as I tried to wrap my brain around the barrage of clusterfucked emails between creative services (where I reside) and management, I decided Outlook would be a resident of Hell too.

All of this got me thinking about The Divine Comedy, which, in my opinion is one of the most intriguing works a person can read. So to entertain myself this afternoon (in yet another meeting), I concocted my own nine rings of Hell. Because I figure if Hell exists, Satan tailors shit to your specifications.

Ring One: Gilbert Gottfried repetitively shrieking out the words I most detest. These would include:

  • ointment
  • panties
  • faggot
  • lozenge
  • moist
  • irregardless (a double-negative and NOT a word)
  • corporate buzzwords; dovetail, synergy, empower, facilitate, intimate, bandwidth, mission critical application, etc.

Ring Two: Hanging out for eternity with an ineffectual, incessantly throat-clearing co-worker. Who thinks it’s okay to use the “n” word, especially if she’s just talking about my black cat.

Ring Three: Eating McDonalds all day, every day.

Ring Four: Hippies.

Ring Five: Debating the scientific facts of global warming with my know-nothing uncle who drives a semi-sized SUV and constantly tells me that I need to “read more and listen less.” (He clearly doesn’t know what I do for a living.)

The upside to Ring Five is that I would finally have the cajones to say, “Look. I can’t have a serious discussion about the state of the world with a grown man who wears Goofy on his clothes.”

Ring Six: Big, beefy perverted gym guys + male construction workers. Long stares and cat calls make me irate.

Ring Seven: Track. Skills be damned, I hated track. I’d rather have a pap smear than go to track practice.

Ring Eight: Ted Haggard, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, John Ziegler and various other conservative, hypocritical fucktards. (Sorry. That Haggard pic still makes me laugh.)

Ring Nine: The world’s most heinous dermatological clinic that plays to my serious phobia of skin rashes and weird patterns.

Admittedly, my nine rings mostly have to do with serious pet peeves and annoyances. But if they were clever in Hell, that’s how they’d work things. Like chinese water torture: it can’t kill you but by god, you want to kill yourself. Only you can’t. ‘Cause you’re dead. Sucka.


9 responses to “What Hell Looks Like (To Me)

  1. panties, panties, panties!

  2. this was most entertaining! i think i’ll call it a day at the office & head home to make my very own “Hell List”…
    Scratch that, this place is like a think-tank for hell list-making! i’ll stay. …but only until i complete my series.

  3. Paul—I cut you!

    Boogie—I’d love to see your list. I feel like Fergie will land somewhere between rings 3 and 6. 😉

  4. So true girl, so true. What is up with your KKK co-worker? One thing though, Alice Walker wrote a great essay on irregardless, you may change your mind after reading it. Nothing can change moist though. Gross I have to go throw up now.

  5. I don’t know what is up with my KKK co-worker. She’s from Texas and loves the bible, like, a lot. Draw your own conclusions.

    Good point to the Alice Walker essay. I’m going to check it out; I’ll let you know what I think!

  6. Sometimes you’re a lot less open and tolerant and non-judgemental than the overall you.

    But then, isn’t that true of everybody? I know it applies to me.

    Anyhow, come back and tell me about your weekend. We miss you ’round these parts.

  7. I’m not sure I totally agree with you, Peter. If anything, I just find myself intolerant of intolerance.

    Although earlier today D chastised me for using the derogatory term “gypped.”

    So, yeah. I guess we’re all guilty of it from time to time. 🙂

  8. I guess I just didn’t like the “…Draw your own conclusions” remark. If I had been making the same complaint about the same coworker and someone asked me about it, I could have just as easily said “Well, she’s female and she’s a copywriter, so draw your own conclusions.” I think you would’ve felt unfairly grouped together with people who, apparently, use the N word.

    My boxers aren’t bunched nearly as much as these comments might imply. I’m just curious to see what kind of dialogue we could have about these kinds of things. Maybe we should do a happy hour sometime soon.

  9. Good thoughts, Peter. One of the many things I appreciate about you is your willingness to respectfully challenge something, even if we have to agree to disagree. This is great fodder for a future HH.

    Speaking of, a group of us will be meeting up this Friday after work, RE: The Shape of Things. I know we’d all be pleased to see you there!

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