Work’s been a bit of a drag lately, and when I get bored, I usually get mischievous.
Today around 4:22p, I thought about how funny it would be if I tricked someone into eating some of Ella’s dry cat food, some of which I had in a Ziplock back in my satchel, having dropped her off at the pet hotel earlier in the day because my apartment was being serviced.
Unfortunately, most of the folks who sit on my side of the office take off between 3:30p and 4:15p. Which left only My Two Dads.
My Norwegian dad had just finished cat-sitting, so I figured the ruse wouldn’t work with him. Which left my Ugandan dad. Who’d give you the shirt off his back in the middle of a snowstorm.
As I walked into his officle, I had the same feeling that I used to get when I was about to trick my little brother into do something dumb, like putting the Slip ‘N Slide on the swingset slide, or taking the fall for stealing me an extra Oreo. Which is usually a sign I shouldn’t do something.
“Hey, E…want some of this? It’s a pretty good mix I made. It’s a little spicy, but not bad.” Don’t make direct eye conact, don’t make direct eye contact.
At this mention, Norwegian dad, who sits adjacent to Ugandan dad, swiveled his chair around.
I stuck out the open Ziplock bag and E started to reach his hand inside. Don’t make direct eye contact, don’t make direct eye contact. This is going to fucking rule.
“You know,” E said curiously, “This looks a little like dog food.”
And with that I cracked; I dropped the bag to my side and started laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe.
“What? You were gonna feed me dog food? Megan, I can’t believe you!”
“It’s cat food,” I said between breaths, “and you have to admit, that was friggin’ hilarious.”
“Megan, you’re so mean,” teased Norwegian dad. “I can’t believe you did that to poor E. Just because he’s a foreigner. I’m so disappointed.”
And somehow shortly after that, I ended up eating a piece of dry cat food.
That’s the beauty of the perfect execution of the race card. It dredges up guilt even when there should be none. And that guilt makes you put gross stuff in your mouth, chew it up and swallow it.