I had a most interesting day at the doctor’s office this afternoon. Between helping the staff catch a lost dog that was running in the street and enduring the world’s dumbest gynecology jokes, I was suckered in to updating my immunizations.
“Let’s see. Last time you were here, you told me you’d check to make sure your tetanus was up to date,” said my doctor, scrolling on her laptop. “And you told me the same thing the time before. So we’re doing it today.”
“I also want you to start the Gardasil vaccines today so we can finish the series before your next birthday.”
I’ve seen the cute commercials. I thought hell, I’m getting old but I still want to be one less.
So after my physical I sat on the table and waited for Kim, my favorite medical assistant, to stab me. Kim’s a sassy little thing with long acrylic nails** painted orange and blue for the Broncos.
“Didn’t she tell you that you could get dressed?” Kim asked. She was wearing safari scrubs. They reminded me of the Kenya song, which made me happy.
“No. She said you’d be right in.” I was wearing a nice bright floral number which wrapped around me two and a half times.
“Just goes to show you these doctors don’t know shit about what we do,”Kim said, squeezing alcohol onto a cotton pad.
I nodded in agreement. I worked in a clinic for four and a half years: The doctors are pompous assholes and the nurses are high-maintenance. Just how it goes.
She continued to lament and stuck me with the tetanus.
“Oh, that was nice. Hardly felt it. Well done, and thank you.”
A cheshire-type smirk spread across Kim’s face and she said:
“Sorry, kid. You’re not going to be as lucky with this one.”
I felt a prick and then a monsoon of hellfire spread through my arm. It was if Satan himself was pissing into my blood stream. And I started speaking in tongues.
The longer it hurt, the hotter my temper got. I felt like slapping someone and my mouth got wicked foul. The lost dog barked in the waiting room next to me.
“That’s gonna sting like hell for the next two minutes or so. Don’t touch it,” Kim said as she dumped the needle into a red waste receptacle. I watched blood bubble on the surface of my skin.
“What the fuck was that?”
“I don’t know what to tell you. Those guys at Merck are real sadists.”
**People in the medical profession shouldn’t wear acrylic; it’s unsanitary. But a lot of them do anyway.
[Jam of the Day]: Aaron Lee Martin, Long Journey Home