The Sign I Wish I Could Affix to My Officle Wall

Dear fellow co-workers,

We work in a place where we’re expected to respect others to the nth degree. In accordance, I would consider it loving if:

1. You didn’t incessantly come into my cube and ask me where my boss is. If you haven’t noticed, she keeps her own schedule. The latter irritates me as well, so please refrain from venting your frustrations about her to me. Fill out a comment card or something.

2. Do not, under any circumstance, send me an email and then walk directly over to my desk and tell me the contents of that email—and ask me to verbally respond to you while you’re standing there. It’s rude. And very plausible that your issue is not that important.

3. Do not ask me the same question over and over again—and then get offended when I call you “turbo” or “question master.” Asking lots questions in rapid succession bugs me anyway—that’s a personal thing—but seriously, asking me “When are we going to record the audio” eight times in an hour feels just like this.

4. If you’re in corporate sales, or something equally as important where you deal with our clients every day (and, ahem, are a grown man), please refrain from sending out emails that start with, “OMG.”

5. Don’t bug me from 9a-11:30a. This is when I am most in my groove.

a. I have peripheral vision. Therefore, if I don’t acknowledge you as you start to linger, back off and give me a minute. I’m a writer. I have to finish a thought.

b. Don’t get pissed at me if you start talking and I don’t hear you. I AM ALWAYS WEARING MY EARPHONES. ALWAYS. IT’S BEEN OVER TWO YEARS—YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME. THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE.

6. Don’t talk to me from the next stall. Unless you need to ask for toilet paper.

I appreciate your understanding. Please know that should you type your own list in response, I will not consider it a hostile or passive-aggressive act. Frankly, I’d like the opportunity to learn what drives you nuts so I can avoid and/or provoke you in the future.

[Jam of the Day]: Stars, Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

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3 responses to “The Sign I Wish I Could Affix to My Officle Wall

  1. I know I’ve been guilty of #2 a couple of times, and #5 quite a few times. It’s interesting that 9-11:30 is your groove time; I always thought it was just grumpy time.

    I only did #6 once, and I apologized for that! You should eat some catfood in repentance.

  2. See! No one knows that 9-11:30 is my most productive time of the day. And I probably am grumpy when hordes of people interrupt me. (This week has been notably bad…hence the rant.)

    That said…there are a handful of people who are repeat offenders. And when I say ‘repeat,’ I mean they engage in the above behaviors multiple times a day/week.

    And besides, I’d like to think I leave some wiggle room for my friends. I can’t remember the last time you’ve done #2 or #5, and besides, you’re my pal so I forget two seconds later anyway.

    Hmm. Maybe I should add a notation to that letter stating that you, the two Js, C and E are mostly exempt.

  3. oh, I wasn’t worried that you were talking about me, it’s just interesting to know that your peeves and my behavior sometimes overlap.

    it was a very fine rant, PS.

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