It’s a taser. It’s an mp3 player. It’s a taser mp3 player—and my perfect solution for warding off hoodlums.
I distinctly remember having a conversation with a group of friends two summers ago, when I was single and needed some protection. Sure, there’s your standard mace, but let’s be honest—mace isn’t exactly user-friendly at the time of an attack. First you have to locate it in your bag because the keychain portion has invariably fallen off. Then you have to take off the lid or switch off the safety latch. Then you have to point it in the general direction of your attacker and manage to spray a thin stream right in his eyes before he stuffs you in your own trunk (which hopefully has a glow-in-the-dark internal release latch). Not very intuitive.
So I remember saying to my friends two summers ago, “What about a knife?” And one of my friends who had been through cop training said that knives are the weapon most easily turned around on the owner. Not wanting to be knifed or have my kidneys harvested in my own dimly-lit parking ramp, I had to pass on the knife.
It was about this time that my friends got out a small, unloaded gun from their gun safe and placed it in my hand. Now, I’m not really a gun-wielding type. They freak me out and I’m overly paranoid as it is. Not a good combo. And who wants to deal with shooting an innocent sushi delivery man or maintenance attendant for the rest of their lives? Not I.
By the end of the conversation, I had nixed every self-defense option except the moves I learned from watching Miss Congeniality reruns on TBS, and knocking a creep square across the nose with my Nalgene bottle.
But the taser mp3 player has changed everything. Not only can I jam out on the DC metro/elliptical trainer/office workstation, but I can protect myself too. Hell, I didn’t even know it was legal to tase people! Microsoft Word doesn’t even recognize “tase” as a verb! Plus—bonus!—I can use it without actually killing a person (myself included…accidents happen), causing them to go blind, or stabbing them in the palm (I have no formal knife training). Just one little tase wherever I can reach, and boom—down they go and away I run. (Homeboy will get the rest of his punishment in jail. It’s always the sexual deviants that get it the worst.)