Life in a Sublease: Part One

One of the best things about subleasing an apartment from a 60-year old who has lived in it for nearly 30 years is that there is no shortage of oddities.

I make it a point to study each of these things, from knickknacks lying around the house, to segmented catalogs and direct mail.

Today, I wish to share with you some of my favorites from a recent catalog called, Home Trends: Practical Products For Practical People. Home Trends is a division of QCL Direct and is apparently skilled at selling old people shit they don’t need under the guise of, “Buying this will actually save you money!”

I looked through the entire catalog and thought I’d share some of my favorites with you.

From the pest prevention section:

These vomit-inducing bug traps claim to rid your house and yard of flying insects. Yours for $11.99 and $15.99 respectively. I don’t even know where to start with this one, except to say that I had to put off fixing lunch until these photos were posted. Verrrrpt.

Now, where I come from, you ooh and ahh when deer wander into your yard. But I suppose if you become one of those angry shut-ins, seeing a fawn in your yard is almost as bad as seeing the neighbor kid cross that invisible property line onto your just-fertilized lawn. Which means this might be for you:

You’ll note that the deer finds this quite appalling, judging from his twisted face and gagging motion. Yours for $29.99.

Moving on to health & personal wellness:

Place this handy patch on the bottom of your foot and draw out toxins while you sleep! You’ll wake up feeling refreshed with boundless energy. A 30-pack is now on sale for just $39.99. Barf.

And no catalog is complete without padded toilet seats. I’ve never really understood what these were for. To keep your buns from touching cold porcelain? To make it acceptable for people to sit on the toilet for prolonged periods of time?

The only thing I see when I look at padded toilet seats are GERMS; I think the cleanest these things get are just before the first use.

For the modest/technologically hip/hearing impared:

You can now go deaf while looking like a cyborg-slash-business professional with the Stealth Sound Amplifier.

One editorial note to Home Trends, but that’s a faux bluetooth ear piece, not a cell phone as you call it. But despite that copy editing error, this might be my favorite item of all. Yours for $39.99.

And, finally, from the beauty department:

Straight from the catalog: “Nippits(TM) help women avoid embarrassment by preventing nipple visibility in sheer shirts, web swimsuits, lingerie and other clothing. Also used by men to avoid chafing.”

I suppose ‘lingerie’ refers to bras in this instance, but all I can think about is a lady wearing these under a provocative teddy. Talk about the antithesis of sexy. And boy is it tough not to imagine a big hairy guy removing these from his nipples after a long day at the office.

Honestly, there’s only one thing in 63 pages that I would consider buying—and gifting to all of my friends. And it’s this:

There’s no joke to be made here. I will be checking Bed, Bath & Beyond for this wondrous invention.

That’s just a snippet of my life here in the sublease. More goodies to come.


3 responses to “Life in a Sublease: Part One

  1. “cyborg-slash-business professional” HA! This installment is so good, it’s good.

  2. Aw, shucks. Glad you liked it! Unfortunately (or fortunately?) there’s much more where this came from.

  3. Pingback: Hey, hi, hello. « Expo86: Think.Write.Now

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