Things That Annoy Me When I’m Premenstrual*

  • Sneezing more than twice in a row. Get ahold of yourself.
  • Hiccups. Are you drunk?
  • Loud eating. Actually, this one bugs me all the time.
  • The sound of dripping water on our chrome toothbrush holder. What the f*ck is your problem?
  • Anything messy. Not that I feel like cleaning it up.
  • My hair. Get out of my face before I break another brush by chucking it at the wall.**
  • Salad. Is there no clean way to eat this? THERE IS VINAIGRETTE ON MY FACE. (See: Anything Messy)
  • My stomach. Water weight, I will f*ck you up.
  • My skin. WHY, GOD, WHY.
  • Colleagues. Annoying most days anyway, but hang on. Did you just ask me a question before I got through a cup of coffee? Now I’ll have to kill you.

*And that my better half has to suffer through.
**I only did this once. It was in high school and even I was freaked out by the burst of rage.


8 responses to “Things That Annoy Me When I’m Premenstrual*

  1. HIL-ARIOUS! And great timing b/c I was up for 5 hours last night with cramps from “Stupid Ho”*. Isn’t it enough that we have to suffer through premenstrual hell? No, then we get kicked in the shins with actual menstruation – follow-up hell. I know one of us sexes has to have the ability to bear children, but dearest almighty one – did it have to be like this?

    *There is a reason why I’ve in-affectionately named the ‘p’ word “Stupid Ho” in my house. She’s undesirable like a hoochie mama – stay away from me, bitch! Who gave you permission to leave a hot mess (me) in your wake. My husband hates me, my friends hate me, my dog hates me, my coworkers hate me, my pants hate me, all inanimate objects hate me – and I hate everyone! Stupid Ho should be thrown in jail for all her inappropriate actions. For life!

  2. HA. Dying. I love this. I actually refer to this two week bender as “George Washington” because of this random video because, like GW, it is so f’ing ruthless.

    I have some of the worst physical symptoms the week before as well ranging from a narcoleptic-like state to always being thirsty. (I could list others, but they would gross people out.) Also, my husband recently admitted that I was “like a different person” a few days a month. Awesome! Of course, like you, I can’t take anything (besides vitamins and healthy foods) to make it better.

    Not fair. I guess the toothbrush holder will just have to stay in the doghouse.

  3. Also… your five hours is making my back cramps feel like a walk in the park. That is so brutal, lady!

  4. HAHAAAAAA – Love the GW video! Yes, it is SO ruthless. Not fair. Wish it only happened once a year, but nooo… every damn month. Every! Damn! Month!

    I’m laughing about the thirsty thing – that is one odd symptom! Haven’t heard that one before.

    Don’t you wish our men could just try it out in place of us for one month – just to see what it’s like? I can’t even imagine what J would be like during premenstrual. NIGHTMARE! I wouldn’t want him to even experience the pain of cramps – he’d start murdering people. (LOL – this could be an SNL skit – men on periods)

  5. I actually didn’t know that was related until my mom mentioned it a couple years ago. Then I asked my doc. Just bananas.

    I love the men with periods skit idea! (Can’t you just see the moaning and groaning?) Incidentally, I read Tina Fey’s book last week and there’s a great anecdote in there of the male writers wanting to toss out a joke out of ignorance for how feminine hygiene products worked. Made me laugh.

  6. oooooo is it good?? I’ve seen all the promotion and have been wondering if it was worth reading. Love. Her.

  7. Definitely worth reading. By no means perfect, but very entertaining. There are some pretty good excerpts floating around the Web at the moment — notably the prayer for her daughter. So great.

  8. O.M.G. – you two just made me L.O.L. This stuff is hilarious – when is YOUR book available?

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